I miss her -

I miss her

What a week!

 

I don’t know anyone who isn’t struggling right now.

 

Between the high emotions of international women’s day, the Meghan Markle interview, Sarah Everard and Clapham Common on Saturday night…. It’s been a tough week.

 

Added to the mix, 51 weeks since we went into the original lockdown.  

 

I’m feeling there’s a sense of anger (maybe passion?) and change upon us.  

 

I know anger isn’t always seen as a great emotion, but it can drive change and action and that’s what it feels like right now.  Like there’s a positive shift…. I’m discussing things with my husband and boys like I’ve never done before.  It feels good.  

 

The kids go back to school today (Scotland).

 

I’ve put my youngest into nursery for a few extra days.

 

It’s something I would have never done 12 years ago.

 

The thing is I’ve noticed some things these last couple of weeks…

  • I’m shorter with the kids than normal
  • I’m not getting out the games/paints/baking 
  • I’m on my phone more than I want to be
  • The TV is on far too much
  • I cannot face yet another walk round the field
  • I’m more and more sedentary
  • I’m losing my motivation and drive 
  • I’m literally counting the minutes until bed time 

 

 

I can feel my inner critic wanting to take over telling me it’s laziness and that a good mum doesn’t just put her kids into nursery as she fancies a day off.

 

 

But here’s the thing.

 

I know that I need a few things.  These are:

  • Silence
  • Space
  • The ability to finish a thought or day dream
  • Allow myself to process some of the things I’m feeling right now

 

 

I won’t be working on these days.

 

I won’t be catching up.

 

I won’t be looking at my to do list.

 

I will be resting.

 

Deep, uninterrupted rest.

 

 

This is the shift from 12 years ago where I would have felt guilty and therefore rushed around like a lunatic in these hours.

 

That rushing around, the striving, the anxiety, the fear – all just lead to rage and anger because I felt I wasn’t ‘achieving’ or ever good enough.  It would have often made me feel like I was out of control.  

 

I know now that to be calm, productive, happy and motivated…. I need to be able to think, I need silence, and I need rest.

 

This is so central to my work with clients.  

 

Identifying needs, working through barriers that stop that and together putting a plan in place to support that.

 

It sounds simple, yet it’s a lifetime of conditioning and behaviour that together we unpick to facilitate change.

 

And that takes time.

 

I’m glad that I’m able to see things differently now. 

 

My 4 boys need their happy, kind, excited, funny, loving mum back.  I want her back too.  I miss her.

 

I’d love to know, what is your plan for recovery at the moment?

 

Much love, Tricia xxx

 

PS If you’d like help to create a calmer, happier and more peaceful home, get in touch for details about my new programme.  Finding Freedom from Maternal Rage is a 3 month in depth programme with a small group of mums (3-6) who all struggle with maternal rage and who want to be calm, patient and compassionate humans who enjoy their life and time with the kids and make their kids feel loved and nurtured.