On Fridays, I answer a question you’ve asked me via the Full Perspective.
Here’s this week’s:
“I can really struggle with the rage I feel and I get more annoyed at the rage I feel. I know it’s all interlinked to my past and shame, but can overspill into my daily life. Tips on how to work through this would be great thanks.”
The number one issue people come to me for support is rage.
At least 80% of my clients have issues with rage. It’s something I had when my older kids were young. Thankfully now I rarely ever get to the point I lose it.
Yet it’s something that there’s so much stigma and shame about, which then increases the rage.
What I mean is…. You have rage, you’re ashamed and angry with yourself for the rage, you bottle it up, you’re then angrier and ashamed, then more rage.
A lot of interventions I’ve seen for rage are things like mindfulness, meditation, calming techniques.
Or walking out of the room until you’ve calmed down.
In my opinion – none of them work.
You need to work on the root cause.
What’s causing the rage.
And 100% of the time – it’s not because you’re a bad or angry person and you can’t wait to terrorise your kids or loved ones – it’s because you’re in some sort of emotional distress/pain yourself.
That’s the bit that’s important is understanding that.
It’s the emotional pain that’s causing the rage.
My experience generally the pain is (not an exhaustive list):
- Fear of failure
- Fear of judgement
- Fear of losing control
- Lack of needs being met
But often these come down to core beliefs:
- I am not good enough
- I am not worthy
- I am undeserving
- I am bad
- I don’t matter
- It’s not fair
Working on the symptom through ‘calming’ approaches doesn’t really change rage.
Rage needs support at a much deeper level through belief work.
There’s lots of tools you can use yourself for belief work such as EFT, affirmations, journaling, compassion, mirror work and lots of other things. And most importantly time and space to do stuff for you.
What I find though is that people don’t set time or space to do the work themselves because of that subconscious belief that they are not worthy, not good enough, don’t matter, are bad, are undeserving.
They’ll prioritise work, chores, consuming, buying, organising and scrolling socials over their own happiness and esteem.
My tips to you would be:
- Acknowledge your pain – what is it you’re worried about? Like really worried about. Maybe on the surface it’s being late, but actually it’s a fear of judgement? Or lack of control? Or sheer exhaustion and not enough time out?
- Schedule in time for your own self development and work on what your fears are and beliefs – literally 5/10 minutes a day CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE
- Try and REVIEW/REFLECT different approaches such as EFT, affirmations, journaling, mirror work etc – google it, but happy if you want to drop me a message
- Meet your needs and if you can’t – get clear on WHY – what are the excuses, but really what are the beliefs underpinning that
If rage is really taking over your life and you’re at the point it’s impact your kids’ wellbeing, your relationships, work or health… then get support from someone who has experience in helping you. It’s something I can help you with – but there’s also lots of other people too.
Got a burning question you’d like my input on? Perfect – ask below.
Much love, Tricia xxx