Moving away from victim mentality

When I first start working with someone, I can often hear that person isn’t focussed on what they can do, but on what others are doing around them.

You’re being ‘wronged’ by a person such as your mum, partner, ex, friends, work etc and it’s impacting you.

It’s an obsessive thinking/fixation that ‘if only’ this person didn’t treat you in this way or do or not do this thing that everything ‘would be fine’ and you’d be happy.

Such as….

  • If only my husband would do what I asked of him then I’d be happy
  • If only my mum would realise when she does that, it hurts me then I’d be happy
  • If only my work would get more staff then I’d be happy
  • If only my friends would ask me how I am and understand what I’m going through then I’d be happy
  • If only my ex would communicate like an adult then I’d be happy
  • If only my situation would get easier then I’d be happy
  • If only my child would behave/sleep then I’d be happy

It often comes out as ‘it’s not fair’, a sense of everything feeling out of control and a helplessness.

And with that comes resentment, anger, rage or else a feeling like I just want to run away and non stop obsessive thinking about the way that it’s everything around you and not you.

That might mean that you:

  • Become a huffy teenager
  • Act like a toddler with a temper tantrum
  • Get so overwhelmed by emotion you body goes into a shutdown state
  • Are completely irrational
  • Feel anxious or uneasy all the time

The thing with all of this is that it’s because your belief system has chosen to focus on the things you can’t control rather than the things you can.

You become the victim to situation.

And here’s the really uncomfortable truth – if it’s not this person or this situation you’re fixated on… it will be another person or situation.

It will always be someone else’s fault why you’re not happy. Never your own.

It’s like a stuck pattern of being a victim.

What keeps you stuck?

Your beliefs about how things are. The narratives and the stories.

And fundamentally all that happens is you leak your energy like a broken down battery in places that make no sense whatsoever.

Here’s some ways that might support you…

  1. RECOGNISE you have gone into victim mentality – this is massive – you want to stay stuck blaming everyone else as it’s easier than looking directly at yourself
  2. WRITE down – all the things that are OUT of your control and all the things IN your control
  3. BOUNDARIES – set boundaries in your life with people and situations
  4. FUN – what are the things you could do to make your life so amazingly awesome that you would stop giving a shit about the fact that your ex is acting like a twat or that work is so stressful
  5. NEEDS – get clarity on what needs you to meet such as sleep, rest, fresh air, exercise, community, silence, space and how you can make this happen – do you need to join a gym, organise childcare etc
  6. ACTION – take action on all above

And for some – you might need help to get unstuck from this cycle.

When you understand that you are the person who can change your life, it increases your confidence, esteem and how you perceive yourself and everything feels so much easier to manage.

Much love, Tricia xxx

P.S. If rage is one of the things you struggle with – I’m running my next free masterclass on Rage – The Why and What and How to Stop, on the 29th November – join me!


Register for the Free Rage Masterclass

Other posts you might be interested in…

My Experience with Belief Coding

My Experience with Belief Coding

You may have heard about Belief Coding and are wondering what it is and whether it's legit. I've got you. In this article I talk about my experiences of using it in my practice. I also cover some of the most common conserns my clients have expressed about it. My...

What does confidence really look like?

What does confidence really look like?

Confession time. One of the pieces of work I often do is a future you visualisation. It’s part of solutions focussed brief therapy is embodying the you that you want to be. Something in the last week shifted when I saw someone else talking about it and I realised that...

Which wolf are you feeding?

Which wolf are you feeding?

I’ve shared this parable before (a long time ago)… but want to share it from a slightly different perspective.  I love love love this parable.   Tale of the two wolves….  The story features two characters: a grandfather and his grandson. The grandfather explains to...