Why I wanted to stay angry

I am loving seeing more sun, but another couple of degrees warmer would be nice!

Whilst I’m always ready for winter (I love proper deep winter), I am so ready for proper hot weather too!

In some of my client sessions recently what’s been coming up in staying stuck with anxiety or staying stuck with the heaviness and I wanted to share something that’s a bit personal, but I think explains it really well.

When my kids were much younger (over 10+ years ago), I was the archetypical shouty mum.

But it wasn’t just shouty like it is now at times where I might raise my voice trying to get out of the house or frustration that no one ever bloody brings their washing down or tidies up and I can understand why my limits are stretched. And there’s literally consecutive weeks where I don’t shout at all.

Back somewhere between 10-14 years ago…. I had proper rage.

I mean like PROPER rage.

Rage where I would throw things across the room.

Screaming so loudly my voice would hurt.

Loosing my shit at the drop of a hat for literally no reason.

Having panic attacks as my whole system was so overwhelmed by it all.

It was very volatile and must have been hell to live with.

I understand now why that rage was there.

It was there because I was in pain.

I was helpless.

I had three tiny children and I was literally doing it on my own.

The rage gave me control.

I had access to so little help.

I was playing out exactly what had happened to me.

At some point in time I needed to CHOOSE not to have rage.

To stop being angry.

I found that trying to stop, didn’t stop it.

In fact, often the opposite.

I got angrier.

And here’s why.

Rage helped me to have control over everyone.

Everyone walked round on eggshells because they were petrified of me.

Even writing this now makes me feel so sick and I’ve done SO MUCH WORK on this.

So somewhere within me I was scared to let go of the thing that helped me have some control over what was essentially a very tough time for me.

Understanding this was HUGE.

Sometimes when you can’t let go of anxiety or can’t get unstuck it’s because a part of you is scared.

It could be fear of:

  • Letting go of control – such as letting go of the need to control mess, noise, chaos – how does that make you feel? Panicked?
  • Settling (this I realised recently was a really big one for me) – can you be happy with ‘good enough’ rather than perfect? From perfect home, relationship, friendship, kids, house, meals, jobs, exercise – can you settle for enough?
  • Failure – what about if because of a decision you make it all goes wrong? What about if you go for a new job and it’s shit?
  • Taking responsibility for your life (or as one of my kids keeps telling me – mum you are the CEO of your life) and making yourself happy
  • Radical action like a new job, leaving a relationship, earning money, making friends – change is bloody scary and what happens if it all goes wrong?
  • Being judged for being this brave bold you – what would your friends or mum say if you had a big brave bold life – would they still want to be your friends?
  • The dynamics in your relationship changing – if say suddenly you get a big brilliant job, does this in some way shift the dynamics with your partner about who earns more or who has to pick up the kids?
  • People letting you get away with not doing things – if you’re not anxious or moody – will  you suddenly be pressured to meet up or go to events or go get the job?

Often when you get stuck with rage, anxiety, depression, low mood etc and it’s not shifting – it’s because you’re not ready to give it up – it doesn’t feel SAFE to give it up – even though rationally you’ve bloody had enough of feeling like shit.  

If you’ve found this helpful and would like me to help you – get in touch.

Much love, Tricia x

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