The unspoken rules that cause distress

“When do you not need to invite the whole class to a party?”

This was a question another mum asked me on Sunday at a kids birthday party.

It made me realise that there’s so many ‘unspoken’ rules in life.

Yet it’s these unspoken rules that are the ones that cause us so much distress.

Things like:

  • The age gap you should have between your kids (2 years by the way)
  • Body hair (none – especially do not let your pubes be put on show)
  • How many children you should have (2 mainly, but some people 3) because only 1 (aw that’s so sad) and four or more (do you not have a TV) and none at all – poor you
  • How quickly you should respond to a message (immediately by the way)
  • Spending money on you (totally selfish)
  • Wanting to have time on your own away from your partner and kids (what is wrong with you)
  • Finding play with your children boring (what kind of mum are you)
  • Pizza for dinner (lazy)
  • When you should have kids (age 30-35)
  • Taking naps (lazy)
  • Leaving the mess to head off to the beach or out with your friends (how dare you)
  • Closing your laptop/switching off your phone at 5pm and not responding to messages (will people think you’re work shy)
  • Want to leave your husband (bad person – but who never has these thoughts….)
  • How often you have sex a week (three times apparently)
  • Self-pleasure (DO NOT  talk about this – SHAME/TABOO)
  • Men are the earners, women are the care-takers (don’t break the power dynamics)
  • And it goes on and on and on

There’s so many unspoken rules. These are a handful that I’ve been picking up this week.

And when we break these rules – anxiety, shaky, panic attacks, insomnia, feeling unwell, overthinking, over analysing and so much more.  

Yet who writes these rules?

Many “rules” aka beliefs we have in society are created by two big forces. The first is Christianity, which dictates how families are, marriages, children, sexuality. The second is the industrial revolution where suddenly time and the workforce all came into play. You could call them the patriarchy. There are of course other influences. 

None of the unwritten rules that we live by are dictated by our values – ie the things that are important to us.

You might value your relationships, fun, autonomy, health, wealth, fulfilment and so much more yet you forget them to follow the ‘rules’.   

Given that 95% of our actions are driven by the subconscious and the beliefs (ie rules!) you hold then to create change. To step away, you need to change the beliefs in the subconscious to live life by what’s truly important to you.  

This is what I do with my clients in Belief Coding sessions or through my Emergence Programme.  Emergence is a 6 month programme that takes you from being stuck in a cycle of chaos to living a life that feels free, bold and brilliant (ie fuck you rules!).  

If you’d like to find out about either, please get in touch.

Much love, Tricia xxx

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